Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Fear, Much Less Fun Sans Marky Mark

The world is a scary place. Disease, terrorism, Mexican drug cartels. Terrifying things are happening all around us, all the time. Here are some of the things that keep me up almost every night:

  • Birds. I never drive with my windows open more than a couple of inches because I'm afraid a bird will fly into my car, and we'll both panic, and it will end in flames and carnage and bloody feathers all over my car.
  • Choking. I'm horrified at the idea of choking at a restaurant someday. It's not so much the asphyxiation itself that scares me, but making a scene in front of so many people. Everyone would stare and tell their friends about it later. Some d-bag might even bust out his phone to record my puffy, contorted face. Tosh.0 would love that shit.
  • Jaywalking. I hardly ever jaywalk. This is mostly due to the message boards on news sites. Do you ever read those things? Those people are f-ing vicious. As soon as the article mentions jaywalking, those posters would instantly jump to debating whether I was crossing the street to pick up a welfare check or buy some crack.
  • Sinkholes. Am I the only one freaked out by the fact that we can't trust sidewalks anymore? What a world.

How about you? Anything that keeps you up at night?

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