Sunday, February 23, 2014

This Weekend I... Volume 29

This weekend I... was supposed to be in a drunken bowling tournament up north, but the foot of snow we got on Friday shot that plan to hell. The boyfriend and I made it about three miles down the interstate, at about 30 mph, before we decided there was no way we were going to that for another hundred miles.

This weekend I... still went bowling with the boyfriend. We were bummed about the cancelled plans, so we bowled a few games at an alley in the Cities. Which, actually, was probably for the best. That way, there fewer people around to give me shit when I got a 62.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Goin' For That Gold

Last week, I told you about the time my sister and I broke into a stranger's house. Before you get the impression that we're a couple of badasses, allow me to offer another story for counter balance.

One summer, when we were somewhere around eleven, Amy and I got obsessed with badminton. Like, obsessed. Every morning we woke up, watched The Price is Right, and headed straight to the badminton court in the backyard. (I'm using the word "court" pretty loosely here. The boundaries of this court were along the lines of the first pine tree to that clump of dandelions and even with the garage, ten yards away.)

And there we stayed. For hours. Every day. And that's not even the bad part.

Between each game we'd take turns interviewing each other like we were at the Olympics or something. With totally straight faces, we'd say things like, "Well, you know Amy's a pretty fierce opponent, so I was a little nervous going into today's match. But I just kept my focus, relied on my training, and managed to pull off the win."

God, we were losers. Despite everything that was said in our post game interviews.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

This Weekend I... Volume 28

This weekend I... celebrated Valentine's Day with the boyfriend lazy style. We spent the night on the couch binging on fancy cheese, wine, and Downton Abbey. Not too shabby, even though neither of is, in fact, an eighty year old woman.

This weekend I... took advantage of the mild weather and spent lots of time outside with Gordy. We played ball, like, a hundred times, and took a walk around Lake Calhoun. I am so ready for going outside to be a normal part of my life again.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Real Gateway Drug

Forget pot. If you ask me, driving around with your friends back in high school was the real gateway drug. A bunch of teenagers behind the wheel with no agenda or destination is only going to lead to trouble. Example:

One day, like ten years ago, my friends and I were driving around and ended up in another small town where we saw a house that looked to be abandoned. It was all dark and had bushes growing up over all the front windows. We drove by a couple more times, then decided that we absolutely had to explore the shit out of that house.

The lock on the back door wasn't very secure, so my sister forced her way through for us. We were practically giddy as we moved through the house. But apparently we were pretty oblivious too, because  we were on the second floor before we started to notice the furniture. And the posters on the walls. And the cigarette butts in the ashtray.

Clearly, this was not an abandoned house. It was just occupied by some trashy people who didn't believe in lawn care. And the four of us had officially broken into someone's home. Oops. We booked it out of the house, but not before snatching a poster advertising Black Velvet whiskey.

I never really thought about it until now, but those people must have been really confused when they got home. Their door was kicked in, but the only thing stolen was a poster that likely came free with the purchase of a 750ml bottle.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

This Weekend I... Volume 27

This weekend I... was reminded that with each passing day I am turning into an old person. I had to cancel plans to get drunk with friends on Friday night because we had a contractor coming over really early Saturday morning. It was officially the most grown-up sounding text message I had ever sent. And honestly, I don't even know who I am anymore.

Speaking of the contractor...

This weekend I... spent a thousand dollars on a remodel I didn't even really want. (Well actually, the boyfriend spent a thousand dollars on a remodel we didn't even really want.)

It turns out the patio doors in our condo building were not intended for exterior use. So over time, a bunch of moisture was able to seep in and ruin the wood floor in front of the door. It's happening in all the condos in the building, but unfortunately, the association isn't going to do anything about it. Dumb.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

He Puts Up With A Lot

So my Christmas present to you was a picture of Gordy wearing a festive little sweater. (You're welcome, by the way.) Truth be told, that picture is pretty old. He was barely a year old when I took it.

I tried to put that same sweater on him again a couple of years later. It did not go well. He put up a fight the entire time, so it took, like, twenty minutes just to get it on him.

And it was way tighter than it had been when he was little. It was especially bad around his shoulders. When he tried to walk he had to take stiff little steps like a cartoon body builder. It was awesome and hilarious. But Gordy was visibly miserable, so I only made him wear it for a minute.

Getting it off of him proved to be even trickier than getting it on. After several minutes of struggling, I realized that I would need to cut it off. But it was too tight to even get the scissors under the sweater. I had to snip the very edge and tear it all the way up the back.

We were like a tag team Incredible Hulk. Christmas style.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

This Weekend I... Volume 26

This weekend I... decided to start blogging again. Hooray!

I don't know what happened there in January. Well, that's not true. What happened is those god damned Game of Throne books sucked me in and stole my life. Now I'm constantly thinking about war strategies, and all of my dreams take place in castles. It's ridiculous. But I'm down to the last two hundred pages, so things should go back to normal again shortly.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

This Weekend I... Volume 25

This weekend I... played racket ball with the boyfriend for my first time ever. It was horrible. Or rather, I was horrible. I spent most of the hour cowering in a corner or running away from the ball. I actually swatted it away with my hand one time, completely forgetting both the point of the game, and the racket in my other hand.

I am not good at sports.

This weekend I... went out to eat with some friends and have already broken my resolution to eat healthier. So, fuck it, 2015 it is.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Take It to the Grave

I have a feeling that I'm going to end up in jail someday. Not necessarily for something I did myself, but definitely as an accomplice. (Although, I suppose committing a crime myself isn't too big a stretch of the imagination.)

See, I would never, ever rat out a friend who committed a crime. Never. If you killed someone, I'd help you bury the body and get you across the border.

I think it's something that runs in my family. We're pretty tight lipped. For example:

When my dad was a little kid, he was sitting in the car outside the courthouse waiting for his dad. Since it's a small town, the post office was located inside the courthouse. So was the jail.

While he was sitting out there, waiting for his dad to buy stamps, he saw a prisoner come out of the building alone. Then he saw him run across the lawn, hop into a pick up, and drive away. And he never told anyone. (At least not for, like, twenty years.)

Even as a seven year old, he knew the company line. I didn't see nothing.