Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Avian History X

One time a little bird flew smack into our window and fell onto the balcony. It laid there for a while, so I figured it was dead. But when I went out to pick it up, it looked like it was still trying to breathe a little. It was so sad.

I wasn't really sure what you're supposed to do in that situation. The boyfriend thought I should leave it alone. But I felt bad just leaving it there in pain while I watched it die through the window. I had to do something. My suggestion was that I should put it out of its misery by taking it downstairs and just giving one quick, very unpleasant, stomp.

This horrified the boyfriend. (I think maybe because he grew up in a city.) We compromised by going out to run some errands. If the bird was still suffering when we returned, then I would play Dr. Kevorkian.

When we got back I checked the balcony. The bird was gone. It seems I was about to curb stomp a little bird who was just a little bit dazed. And maybe had a headache.

Perhaps life and death decisions should not be left to me in the future.

P.S. This:

I have a complicated relationship with birds.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thankful Thinking - Part Four

There are some people whose contributions to the world are so great that I can't imagine life without them. I would like to thank these people for their wonderful ideas.

--Johannes Gutenberg - His method of movable type printing made books available to the masses. I'm sure he had something like the 50 Shades of Grey series in mind at the time.

--Al Gore - From what I understand, he invented the Internet. So that's good.

--Heinz Hankammer - Creator of Brita water filters. I think water tastes really gross, but it's proven necessary for staying alive. Hankammer's invention makes it easier for me to do that. So that's good too.

--Tina Fey - Lines from 30 Rock have comprised roughly 15% of my vocabulary for the past few years.

--T. L. Williams - In an attempt to help his sister, Maybel, get a man, Williams invented mascara. (Fun fact: He started selling his product as Maybelline.) And F diamonds. Everyone knows mascara is a girl's real best friend.

So, you know, thanks guys.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Caution: Road Wet During Rain

There is a small, four space parking lot in front of my building. There is also a waist high light that marks the edge of the parking lot where the lawn and sidewalk start.

People are constantly hitting that light with their cars. The building manager's solution to this problem? Place a little blue reflector a few inches from the light. You know, to signal the presence of the bright, shining light nearby.

Strangely, it doesn't seem to be helping. Maybe he should add a small sign that reads, "Caution: There is a light right here." That would probably do it.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Thankful Thinking - Part Three

I am thankful that I get to live in Minneapolis. I really like this city. Here are some of the best parts:

--First Avenue - Best shows in town. I have had so many great nights there.

--Chino Latino - Best mojitos in town. Their bathrooms are also really clean, which is good when you've had too many mojitos.

--Sebastian Joe's - Best ice cream in town. Luckily, the closest location is 2.3 miles from my house. Any closer and I would definitely have diabetes by now.

--Saffron - Best hummus in town. They also do amazing things with gin there.

--Bar La Grassa - Best date night in town. It's really easy to spend three hours there without even realizing it. (Of course, having a handsome date doesn't hurt.)

I heart where I live.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Truck Stop Sign Language

I spent the day I got my driver's license driving all over the county with my friends, Jess and Megan. One of the places we stopped was the truck stop in the next town over. (I know. But our options for entertainment were limited.) While we waited at our table for the waitress, one of us suggested that we pretend Megan was deaf. It was agreed that this would be awesome and the most hilarious trickery ever. (Again, our options for entertainment were limited.)

When she arrived, Jess and I gave our orders to the waitress, then looked to Megan who was gesturing wildly across the table. She flailed her arms around and I think pointed at her belly a couple of times before she started jabbing at the menu. We nodded, as seriously as we could, and translated her order. To add credibility to the ruse, Megan signed "thank you" whenever the waitress returned to our table.

This table reserved for the talent
Amazingly, Jess and I managed to keep a mostly straight face almost the whole time. Unfortunately, I don't think any of us remembered that we probably should have also used sign language when we were talking to Megan.  But I'm pretty sure everyone still bought it.  Megan was a very convincing actress.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Thankful Thinking - Part Two

I really enjoy drinking, but I am just so bad at it. Fortunately, there are a handful of people who are really good at "Drunk Marie." I cannot tell you how thankful I am that they are in my life.

--My sweet friend, Megan, will always cover you up with a towel when you pass out; whether you're on your friend's front lawn or the bathroom floor of a mansion in Savannah. That also happens to be the extent of her motherly instincts.

--Jess, my bestie since seventh grade, is a champion of throwing up. She will never tease you for getting sick. Bonus: As a nurse she is totally desensitized to gross stuff, so she will always hold your hair for you.

--My old coworker and drinking buddy, Laure, thinks everything is a good idea after she's had a couple of cocktails. She will never talk you out of anything and is the perfect accomplice for committing petty crimes.

--Amy, the twin sister, always makes sure you have something to eat before bed. And it is almost always nachos or Doritos.

I hope everyone is lucky enough to have friends like these.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

You Win This Round, Hobo

So I have beef with the homeless guy who lives in my neighborhood.  (That sound ridiculous, I know.  A homeless guy who lives in my neighborhood.  Squats, maybe?  I don't know.)

Anyway, it all started one day when I walked by him on the sidewalk.  To be friendly, I smiled and said, "hello."  Even though he was looking right at me, he totally stonewalled me.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured he probably just didn't hear me.

The second time I walked past him, I gave a smile and a little wave.  Again, nothing.  Now I started getting pissed.  Here I was trying to be nice, and this guy was just completely freezing me out.  I decided right then and there that I would not rest until I could show that fucker how friendly I was and finally get him to acknowledge me.

The next time I walked by, I pulled out all the stops.  I bobbed my head a little to make sure we had eye contact, I gave another little wave and said, "hi."  And he didn't even twitch.  Just glared at me.  In fact, I think he gave me the stink eye a little bit.

I know, right?!

It's on, bitch.  I may not have all the details worked out yet.  Or any of them.  But I will best you, old man, and you will rue the day.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Thankful Thinking - Part One

I'm your typical American - mostly discontent and ungrateful, with a strong sense of entitlement.  But in the spirit of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, I've decided to spend a little more time thinking about the things for which I am truly thankful.

This week, I am truly grateful for breakfast cereal.  Well, certain kinds of breakfast cereal.  Specifically these:

Golden Grahams  -  Can't go wrong with a classic.
Captain Crunch  -  And you can forget about those fancy-ass Crunch Berries and Peanut Butter.  I'm a purist.
Coco Wheats  -  Good for winter.  Best when served with a little cream and about half a cup of sugar added to each bowl.
Cracklin' Oat Bran  -  There's no cartoon on the box, so I feel like a grown up who totally has her shit together when I buy this.
Pebbles  -  Both Fruity and Cocoa.  I love all the Pebbles.

I thank you, my little sugar coated, whole grain friends.
I find it's best to keep as much cereal in your house as possible.  That way, when you run out of all your other food, you can just pick up some milk at the gas station.  Then you don't have to go grocery shopping for at least another week and a half.  Everybody else hates the grocery store too, right?