Saturday, March 30, 2013

Requiem for a Holiday Rodent

So it looks like Easter may have to be cancelled this year. 

Gordy had a run in with the Easter Bunny.

And it got a little heated.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Cause and Effect

Saturday was National Chips & Dip Day. For real. And now my jeans don't fit.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Canine Death Trap

My neighbor, Doug, has two cute little dogs, and the three of them recently lived through one of the most horrifying experiences I can imagine.

They got into the elevator one day to go downstairs for a potty break. As the doors closed behind them, Doug noticed that while he had both dogs with him, he only had one leash in his hands. He looked around and saw that the other one was caught between the doors.

"I'll eat your puppies, bitch."
The elevator started to move and the captured dog was dragged toward the doors. Doug searched the panel of buttons trying to find the emergency stop, only to find that our elevator doesn't have one. Then the dog started getting pulled to the top of the doors. Doug tried to unhook the collar, but it was too tight and he couldn't get it off. Instead he had to just stand there and watch, hoping his dog wouldn't be squished to death.

When they finally reached the first floor, the doors opened and the dog just dropped into Doug's hands. Luckily, the hook that connects the leash to the collar had snapped from the pressure, so the poor thing wasn't strangled to death. In fact, except for a couple broken blood vessels in his eyes, the dog was fine. He took it a lot better than Doug, who said he was shaken up by the whole thing for like a week.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Part Time Maniac

I'm obviously a very stable person and totally have it together (please ignore all previous posts), but I have a confession to make. I think I have a little bit of hypochondria*. But only about three things.

1.) For a really long time, I was worried that I was kind of mentally retarded and nobody ever told me. I finally asked my dad about it a couple of years ago and he assured me that I am not. But sometimes I still wonder.

2.) This one comes and goes, but sometimes I get really worried that I have AIDS. I don't think I've ever touched another human being's blood, but I'm not 100% certain. And I always have hang nails. So if I did indeed touch someone's blood at some point in my life and I just don't remember it, and that person had AIDS, then I probably have it too. I'm just saying it's a possibility. And sometimes that possibility consumes me.

3.) I'm pretty sure I have a brain tumor. This is strictly a hunch, as I don't really have any symptoms, but I often get this abstract feeling that there is a tumor growing in my brain. But you can't go to the doctor and say, "Can you check if I have a brain tumor? I just have a very strong feeling that I do." Insurance would never cover the scans.

* I totally just got stuck in a chicken-and-egg style black hole wondering if thinking you are a hypochondriac is a sure fire symptom of hypochondria.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My Most Excellent Phone Skills

I donated blood one time at Memorial Blood Center, like two years ago, and they still call me all the time to see if I'll do it again. Seriously, all the f-ing time. I don't want to reward that kind of behavior, so I always let those calls go straight to voicemail. But one night I accidentally answered one of them. Big mistake.

The girl introduced herself as Mindy and started running through her script, then asked, "Can we count on you to make a donation this week?"

I hate when they phrase shit like that. Like when people on the street try to hand you a flyer and ask, "Can you spare a minute to help prevent child abuse?" How do you say no to that without sounding like a jerk? But I knew I wasn't going to go to St. Paul to give blood that week, so I told her no.

And then she asked why. Not shockingly, but still a little unsettling, my first instinct was to lie. "I'm currently ineligible to donate," I said. Nice, Marie, I thought. That should be the end of that.

"In what way are you ineligible?" she asked.

I wasn't expecting a follow up question, so I stuttered through the first thing that came to mind. "Oh, um... I'm, uh, taking a... this medication that makes it so I can't give blood." It was pretty obvious to both of us that I was lying.

"And what medication is that?" she asked. I think Mindy here was calling my bluff. Under normal circumstances I would probably be indignant, since that information is absolutely none of this stranger's business. But I was caught in a lie, and I was starting to feel guilty and nervous.

"Um... I don't, I mean... I can't really remember the name of it right now." Oh God, Marie, that wasn't even a little bit good.

Then Mindy took even further and asked,"Well what condition does it treat?" I could practically hear her smirking on the other end. She was obviously crossing the line, but I was in too deep now.

My mind scrambled to come up with something, anything. But it was too much pressure and I totally blanked. "It's, uuuuhhhh......" Click. I finally gave up after an uncomfortable amount of time and just hung up. I wish I would have told her it was AIDS.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Sometimes You Have to Learn the Hard Way

I never liked to wear the safety glasses in Chemistry class. That is stupid, I know. And I knew it then, too. But it was high school, a time when skin clarity was pretty much the most important thing in the world, and I simply didn't trust a UV light to thoroughly clean an object that rested on the faces of countless oily teenagers. So with my weird, teenage girl priorities, I usually decided to set my goggles aside.

And then one day, I leaned across the counter to grab my pen. I had completely forgotten about the Bunsen burner and my lack of protective eyewear. This ended up being almost as disastrous as it sounds. Luckily, I immediately realized my mistake and jumped back, so I didn't jack up my face at all. But I did manage to burn off all of the eyelashes on my left eye, and a good chunk of that eyebrow, too.

I learned two things that day:

Always wear the safety goggles.

Eyelashes take forever to grow back.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Got Off Your High Seahorse

Is it just me, or are dolphins kind of the jerks of the sea? They've always struck me as conceited bastards. I think it might be those smug smiles.

"I'm so smart. Watch me do all these sweet tricks. Did you see that flip? Yeah, that wasn't even hard for me. A fish? No, man, I am not a fish. I mean, yeah I have fins and live under the sea and all that, but I'm not a fish. If you call me that, you'll look so stupid. I never look stupid. Everything I do makes me look so smart and awesome. Watch me do these sweet tricks."

Yes, these are the things I think about.