Was My Great Grandmother a Ghost?

I just got back from Mexico. It was mostly awesome, except that I got sunburned. Since I have Casper-white skin, this should not have come as a surprise to me. Except that I spent half my time there in the shade and wore SPF 100 (not exaggerating, that's really a thing and I applied it several times a day). And I still burned.

I swear, if I didn't have brown eyes, I'd be entirely convinced that I was albino. As it stands, I'm only about 90% sure. Is it possible to turn into an albino? Because that might be happening to me. How can you be sure if it's grey hair or a sudden genetic defect stripping melanin from the body? Short answer: you can't.

Your Kids Are Dumb, Deal With It

Children are stupid. All of them. This is a fact. No matter how well they know their ABCs, they have preposterous notions about the way the world works. You were no different. Neither was I. Here are some of the ridiculous things I believed to be absolutely true at various points in my childhood.


--Traffic lights are controlled by guys who sit inside of little huts located inconspicuously at every intersection

--If you keep eggs in your fridge beyond the expiration date, you risk having them hatch in your home

--If you look into a mirror at night, you risk seeing a ghost

--The ice in your ice cube trays is what makes your freezer cold

--Kidnappers are people who can't have their own children and want to avoid the bureaucracy of the legal adoption process

--Pat Sajak and Vanna White are a happily married couple

--Penguins are birds who flew south one winter, but ended up stranded on Antarctica when it floated too far away from land

--Lavender is a pale shade of green

--Chocolate milk comes from brown cows

--A pregnant woman's unborn child can move freely about the inside of her entire body

The Third Worst Night of My Life

One night last year I stepped onto my balcony to have a cigarette. It was about ten o'clock and forty degrees, so I smoked fast. Then the worst thing ever happened. I pulled in vain on the door handle, and my mind flashed back to the night before when I decided to lock that door for literally the first time ever.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I scanned my surroundings for possible entry points and anything that could be useful in breaking in, but my home proved tragically burglar proof. I looked to my neighbors for help, but both of their places were dark. I started to realize just how fucked I really was. For a second I thought about just jumping. I mean, it was all over for me anyway.

That's when I saw the light on the balcony directly below me. I tossed down my shoe to get their attention, but they must not have noticed. I threw down the other one and again got no response. My last hope was a gorilla-gargoyle I had chilling in the corner. When it shattered on their balcony, the couple came out to save the day.

Unfortunately, my front door was also locked so they couldn't just come up and let me in that way. So they called a locksmith for me. But the locksmith had to get their guy on call since it was late. And he had to get up, get dressed, and drive in from, like, the farthest away suburb there is. So you know, just sit tight Marie.

And there I sat. Wearing sweat pants, the boyfriend's track jacket, and no shoes. In near freezing temperature. For just over an hour. I curled myself into a little ball and managed to stuff most of my body into the track jacket. But by the end of it, I was so cold my skin was aching and I seriously couldn't feel most of my toes. When I finally saw the locksmith guy walking through my living room toward me, I think I heard angels singing a little bit.