The Day My Boss Realized What He Was In For

Not long after I started my current job, the boss offered to take me out for lunch. On the way over to the restaurant, we drove past a homeless man. He was standing on the corner, holding a cardboard sign, and he had a scruffy dog next to him.

I turned to the boss and said, "I almost always give money to homeless people when I see them, but I wouldn't give any to that guy."

"Why not?"

"Because he has that dog."

"Really?" he asked. "I thought you liked dogs."

"I do. But how hungry can that guy be if he hasn't even eaten his dog yet?"

And then the rest of the ride was pretty quiet.

And Peace Be With You

Nuns are kind of a dying breed. In the last 50 years, the number of Catholic nuns in the United States has decreased by about 70%. It's probably because, overall, they are f-ing terrifying.

I was raised Catholic and went to a Catholic elementary school. There were still a few nuns who taught some classes there, and I had one of them for first grade. She was about a hundred years old and either forgot or ignored the professional and legal shift toward not abusing students.

One time she made one of my classmates sit at the back of the class wearing a dunce cap. She also pulled my friend's pigtails in an effort to teach her a lesson about penmanship. And like cranky old nuns the world over, she busted out the ruler from time to time, sharp side down of course. It was more like boot camp than first grade.

But luckily, my generation came in at the tail end of the light version of Catholic violence (as long as you don't count the sex stuff). I mean, we didn't have to deal with anything like the Crusades, or the Inquisitions, or the Thirty Year War, or the European witch hunts.

Now that I think about it, I guess I can see what old people mean; kids today are kind of pussies.



P.S. Catholicism, don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes, from certain angles, you come across as a little... harsh. Maybe work on softening the edges a little?

Updated: Part Time Maniac

Updated: I have something to add to this list. This morning a bird flew really close to my face. Like, really close. One of its feathers touched my hair, I think. So... bird flu.

I'm obviously a very stable person and totally have it together (please ignore all previous posts), but I have a confession to make. I think I have a little bit of hypochondria*. But only about three things.

1.) For a really long time, I was worried that I was kind of mentally retarded and nobody ever told me. I finally asked my dad about it a couple of years ago and he assured me that I am not. But sometimes I still wonder.

2.) This one comes and goes, but sometimes I get really worried that I have AIDS. I don't think I've ever touched another human being's blood, but I'm not 100% certain. And I always have hang nails. So if I did indeed touch someone's blood at some point in my life and I just don't remember it, and that person had AIDS, then I probably have it too. I'm just saying it's a possibility. And sometimes that possibility consumes me.

3.) I'm pretty sure I have a brain tumor. This is strictly a hunch, as I don't really have any symptoms, but I often get this abstract feeling that there is a tumor growing in my brain. But you can't go to the doctor and say, "Can you check if I have a brain tumor? I just have a very strong feeling that I do." Insurance would never cover the scans.

* I totally just got stuck in a chicken-and-egg style black hole wondering if thinking you are a hypochondriac is a sure fire symptom of hypochondria.