The Boyfriend Says

The boyfriend is one funny-ass mofo. He might even be the funniest guy I've ever met. It's half the reason I like him so much. Here are some examples of the awesome shit he says: (But I'm only giving you a few; the rest are mine. Get your own hilarious boyfriend.)

He's even, like, laughably handsome

-- On the prospect of having children someday: "I would like to have kids with a bunch of different women. Then I would race them to determine which one is genetically superior."

-- On that Florida Georgia Line song in which Nelly guest raps: "The St. Lunatics must be spinning in their grave."

-- On our dog: "I'm going to buy him a pack of cigarettes and a bandana, then I'm going to set him loose. Turn him into a street tough."

-- On girlie liquor: "Bitches love blue cocktails."

-- On television: "The only reason laugh tracks still exist is so old people don't feel so alone."