Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My Most Excellent Phone Skills

I donated blood one time at Memorial Blood Center, like two years ago, and they still call me all the time to see if I'll do it again. Seriously, all the f-ing time. I don't want to reward that kind of behavior, so I always let those calls go straight to voicemail. But one night I accidentally answered one of them. Big mistake.

The girl introduced herself as Mindy and started running through her script, then asked, "Can we count on you to make a donation this week?"

I hate when they phrase shit like that. Like when people on the street try to hand you a flyer and ask, "Can you spare a minute to help prevent child abuse?" How do you say no to that without sounding like a jerk? But I knew I wasn't going to go to St. Paul to give blood that week, so I told her no.

And then she asked why. Not shockingly, but still a little unsettling, my first instinct was to lie. "I'm currently ineligible to donate," I said. Nice, Marie, I thought. That should be the end of that.

"In what way are you ineligible?" she asked.

I wasn't expecting a follow up question, so I stuttered through the first thing that came to mind. "Oh, um... I'm, uh, taking a... this medication that makes it so I can't give blood." It was pretty obvious to both of us that I was lying.

"And what medication is that?" she asked. I think Mindy here was calling my bluff. Under normal circumstances I would probably be indignant, since that information is absolutely none of this stranger's business. But I was caught in a lie, and I was starting to feel guilty and nervous.

"Um... I don't, I mean... I can't really remember the name of it right now." Oh God, Marie, that wasn't even a little bit good.

Then Mindy took even further and asked,"Well what condition does it treat?" I could practically hear her smirking on the other end. She was obviously crossing the line, but I was in too deep now.

My mind scrambled to come up with something, anything. But it was too much pressure and I totally blanked. "It's, uuuuhhhh......" Click. I finally gave up after an uncomfortable amount of time and just hung up. I wish I would have told her it was AIDS.

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